Conflict Facilitation

There are many approaches to supporting people in conflict, which range from a very light touch to providing firm scaffolding for the parties’ conversation. My goal is to support your goals by adjusting my approach and the degree to which I intervene. Sometimes people need more scaffolding to help untangle confusion and prevent additional damage in a conflict. At other times, people need more space to move freely within the conversation without much interference from the facilitator.

What are some goals of conflict facilitation?

I view conflicts as a challenge within the context of some relationship(s). As a facilitator, I am trying to support the parties navigating that challenge. Often, necessary steps along the way include:

• surfacing tensions within the relationship(s)
• increasing access to skillful communication when under stress
• shifting unhelpful dynamics that have evolved within the relationship(s)
• developing shared frameworks about communication the relationship
• repairing injuries to the relationship and to the parties

Does it mean something bad about us if we need/want/use conflict facilitation, mediation or relationship counseling?

It is natural for relationships to have tensions in them. As the stakes and tensions as relationship is facing begin to approach or ultimately exceed the available resources (such as time, energy, and skill), misunderstandings, unhelpful dynamics, and even a loss of trust can intrude into even the best relationships between the most well-meaning people.

What am I trying to do when supporting a conflict?

I aim to help the conversation move toward “flowing well” or “working well” for the parties. (These are not technical terms, but more about how it feels.) This does not mean controlling or enforcing politeness or a particular set of cultural norms around communication. Rather, working/flowing well means the parties have sufficient access to four core capacities: self-connection, empowerment, expression, and reception to be making constructive motion in the conversation.

The four core capacities that I try to support are:

• Self-Connection is being connected to and understanding your own state and purposes;
• Empowerment is the sense that it’s valid for you to have your experience, thoughts, feelings, and purposes;
• Expression is the ability to share with clarity and nuance; and
• Reception is the ability to consider what the other person is sharing and experiencing.

I make imperfect guesses as I respond in real time

In order to support these capacities, I may interrupt or ask things of the parties that don’t feel like exactly what they want to do in the moment. Interventions made are best guesses, and it’s important to accept the fallibility of any mediator/counselor (especially me) as I/they make those guesses.